tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-117677452009-11-09T12:39:59.644-08:00BUY MY BOOKS AT WWW.LEONARDSTEGMANN.COM. NOW, DAMMIT!Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.comBlogger1048125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-33572819969327800892009-11-08T14:58:00.000-08:002009-11-08T15:16:43.972-08:00

Have you come across one of these guys? (And for some reason they always seem to be guys.) You’re sitting down somewhere, in this case it was at a picnic table at a local street festival, and to be polite you begin talking to the old guy sitting near you. (Yeah, I’ve gone back to using the classic words like “old” and “fat” and “stupid.” Keep your adjectives short—that’s what all the writing

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-82823473112211962132009-11-05T15:57:00.000-08:002009-11-05T16:06:38.799-08:00

I’m driving around and, as I often do, I’m thinking about things that really piss me off. You have no idea how I suffer, knowing that there are so many false “facts” floating around out there and so little time for me to correct them. Frinstance, I was contemplating all the people I’ve come across over the years who continue to believe that the guy who invented the Pet Rock made enough money to

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-72230738304792906172009-11-04T15:39:00.000-08:002009-11-04T15:56:40.541-08:00

Hey, Kids. This one is from a few years ago, but I think it's just as appropriate today. I'm reposting it in anticipation of the Yankees buying, I mean winning, the World Series tonight. Or tomorrow for sure. And then, of course, purchasing Chase Utley for next season. Fuck the Yankees.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ha! Fuck the Yankees. Have a

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-43938987980537569712009-11-03T15:24:00.001-08:002009-11-03T15:31:08.641-08:00

Part II: The Story That Could Have Been Really FunnyI come home about two weeks ago and there’s a message on the machine. It’s from yet another person that I know, but not particularly well. But still a friend. After some greetings and chit-chat (we hadn’t spoken in several years) the message goes on to say that she is calling for a particular reason. Specifically, she’s been looking for someone

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-69778861431389537402009-11-02T16:05:00.000-08:002009-11-02T16:14:09.051-08:00

Part I: Not That There's Anything Wrong With ThatLet me warn you at the outset that this could have turned out to be a much funnier story than it did. But at least I’m telling the truth about what happened, which might make me feel good about myself but it also eliminates any chance I might have had to be selected for the Oprah Book Club.Throughout my life, from the time I was a teenager and

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-28191837882497069732009-11-01T15:35:00.000-08:002009-11-01T15:45:54.558-08:00

Listen, as long as I still have the way-back machine plugged in I’m going to use it again tonight. This is another sports-related story that dates back to the misty recesses of my long-ago youth, but this one doesn’t star me. It features my childhood pal Arthur.I’ve written about Arthur previously on these pages but I don’t think I’ve related this particular story. If I have and I’m repeating

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-16099760016462313472009-10-29T15:53:00.000-07:002009-10-29T16:38:21.471-07:00

So some of you think the Seinfeld quizzes have been too easy, do you? You, Berkeley Spider-Man, claim to have scored ten out of ten on both quizzes. And the same boast comes from you, Voice Man. Yes, nearly every one of you claim to have gotten a perfect or near-perfect score on those previous trivia quizzes. Except for, of course, Mr. Size the Stockbroker, who chooses to waste his time by living

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-30483340195752296252009-10-28T14:56:00.000-07:002009-10-28T15:04:06.068-07:00

I spoke to Mr. Zero today. It seems he was in New York last weekend and so I asked him if he had witnessed the lighting of the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. Well he had, and of course he had viewed it as he has so many other events in his adult life: over the rim of a glass filled with booze.Each night the Letterman show begins by claiming that New York is the greatest city in the world.

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-39384160591101949142009-10-27T16:20:00.000-07:002009-10-27T16:44:34.177-07:00

For those of you who look forward to entries that give play-by-play accounts of my personal and/or professional disasters I’m afraid you’re in for a bit of a disappointment tonight. Perhaps you should just run along and come back another day. I’m sure Fate is waiting around a nearby corner, perched atop a ladder, sniggering as he waits to drop yet another bucket of rancid entrails onto my

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-19124612137355521102009-10-26T15:03:00.000-07:002009-10-26T15:11:10.612-07:00

If you look back over my previous 680-plus posts (go ahead—I’ll wait) you’ll agree that I’ve held back precious little. From grade school humiliations to misguided adventures, sexual and otherwise, it’s all there for anyone who cares to read it. And yet I am, sadly, unable to tell you about the one night that I believe would make a wonderfully entertaining story; that is, the night of my bachelor

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-22406888912796489712009-10-25T15:27:00.000-07:002009-10-25T15:44:50.902-07:00

And now, direct from our Too Much Time on My Hands Department, we proudly present: "How to Make Your Very Own Egghead!"This lovable Egghead is sure to amuse a child of any age, whether five or seven or, uh, fifty-six. Just follow these simple steps and before you can say "fuck the Yankees" you’ll have it—an Egghead of your very own.1. Use a sharp knife to carefully carve an opening in the pointy

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-65407329112939887562009-10-23T17:12:00.000-07:002009-10-23T17:49:41.024-07:00

Rest in Peace and Thanks for the Laughs. (please see below)

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-16371132434603834862009-10-22T14:01:00.000-07:002009-10-22T14:18:00.893-07:00

You’ve heard it many times. You should eat whole foods, like fresh fruit and vegetables, and avoid the processed stuff. No flour, no sugar and no hormone-injected animal flesh. And I agree with all of this, in principle anyway. I know it’s right and I know that a healthier diet leads to a healthier and happier life. But as my brother always said, “It’s not my fault that Ho-Ho’s taste better than

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-27917563669773285362009-10-21T15:08:00.000-07:002009-10-21T15:17:08.194-07:00

It’s been twenty years since Marlee Matlin’s Oscar winning performance in Children of a Lesser God. I must confess I’ve never actually seen the film but I’m sure she was brilliant in it. After all, they just don’t give Academy Awards to people simply because they happen to have a handicap. Right? I assumed that in Children, as in most everything else she does, Matlin plays a deaf woman

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-23517374796327167482009-10-20T15:11:00.000-07:002009-10-20T15:28:56.473-07:00

That’s the question I forgot to include on Tuesday night’s quiz. I had written down “Father/Son” on my post-it, but then forgot what it meant. Had I remembered I certainly would have knocked out one of the other questions (although I couldn’t say which—I love them all so) and replaced it with this one: What father and son actors have appeared in the most movies together? And, as you did with most

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-91799869734992270382009-10-19T15:15:00.000-07:002009-10-19T15:45:21.374-07:00

You all still remember Soupy Sales, don’t you? Sure you do. I got a chance tonight to watch some clips from his television program, and I have to tell you it was goofy and corny and I laughed through the whole thing.These clips were from The New Soupy Sales Show, a program he did that greatly resembled his earlier classic show that began in 1953. In the newer show Soupy is an agile and energetic

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-7968723964359778702009-10-18T17:38:00.000-07:002009-10-18T17:52:37.604-07:00

I was thinking of Pinky Lee the other day. Lee, along with Howdy Doody and Arthur Godfrey are three of my earliest television memories. And by memories I mean mere wisps of consciousness; gossamer-thin recollections that are gone with the slightest of mental breezes. In fact I don’t recall actual specifics about any of these TV icons--I just have a vague notion of having watched them.But thank

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-79291585429929240172009-10-15T12:43:00.000-07:002009-10-15T13:06:33.063-07:00

Did you enjoy that piece about Seinfeld that I posted last week? “What piece?” you ask in that incredibly annoying way of yours. You know, you should keep in mind that reading this blog is a lot like taking vitamins: if you miss even a single day, uh, it doesn’t really matter.Regardless, as I mentioned in that article that you so flippantly chose to ignore, one of the reasons for the success of

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-69315868734889275402009-10-14T16:14:00.000-07:002009-10-14T16:22:28.568-07:00

A few nights ago I made a reference to Leon Russell, a singer-songwriter who was quite popular for a while back in the ‘60’s and ‘70’s, at least among my crowd of doped-up pseudo-hippies. I even heard from my old college pal and roommate who remembered Leon well and admitted to always liking his music. And let me be clear that this old college chum of mine was definitely not part of that doped-up

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-71364328691966629802009-10-12T15:58:00.000-07:002009-10-12T16:10:36.320-07:00

When I awoke this morning the only dream I could recall involved two older, but not unattractive, women who were trying to coerce me into returning with them to their apartment. I suppose the fact that they were both older than I and yet neither used a walker was also memorable, but whether I took them up on the offer I can’t say. In addition to this dream snippet I also found myself waking up

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-60168972183968130542009-10-11T16:42:00.000-07:002009-10-11T16:59:13.196-07:00

Despite appearances to the contrary, I often do a little research before I begin one of these insightful missives. Tonight I took the trouble to search the Internet to see if The Bourbon Barrel could somehow still be in existence. I’m happy to report that apparently it isn’t.You would have loved the Bourbon Barrel. It was a homey kind of bar that my friends and I would go to during that short

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-10720373204314439092009-10-08T17:04:00.004-07:002009-10-08T17:20:29.339-07:00

How ironic. Yesterday I travel to a bamboo garden where nothing happens and I somehow am able to write a blog about it. And today I actually do have a remarkable adventure, an adventure which I dare say many of you, perhaps even the majority of you, will never experience, and yet I can’t write about it. How sad it is for me to realize at this late date that I am just as constricted by the

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-91182710112672184412009-10-07T14:41:00.000-07:002009-10-07T14:53:48.079-07:00

OK, we’ve already established that only a natural born idiot would think that pumping money into a slot machine is an integral part of a sound financial strategy. So let’s see how I did.I hadn’t even paid my first visit to the ATM when I took one of only three twenties out of my wallet and watched as the slot machine greedily gobbled it up. And I had only been playing for a short time when I saw

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-1723502243305358112009-10-06T15:30:00.000-07:002009-10-06T15:46:35.761-07:00

I know, that sounds like the name of a gay skin magazine. Well it’s not, you sick twist. Hunky and Spunky were actually two cartoon characters that apparently achieved at least some degree of popularity in the late 1930’s. In fact in 1939 one of their cartoons was nominated for an Academy Award.You say you’ve never even heard of Hunky and Spunky? Well up until five hours ago neither had I. Rewind

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-64776175044310416902009-10-05T15:22:00.000-07:002009-10-05T15:33:21.316-07:00

How exciting! Howard Stern read my e-mail on his show today! Well actually he read about half of my e-mail, but still that’s something, right? First a little background.Howard has been dating Beth O. for over seven years now, and they plan to get married next summer. This, of course, comes after years of Howard swearing that he will never get married again. Now he’s changed his tune because he’s

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4