Things Guys Secretly Love (Part I)

I stand corrected. I was going to start off with the qualifier that I didn’t know whether the article in question had been written by a woman or a man, but one more quick check and I can see his name in little tiny letters near the top of the page. Yes, his name. We writers really should start demanding larger font sizes.

The article, which is more of a list actually, purports to expose some of the things that men traditionally say they don’t like, but secretly love. Now, how this writer came to these assumptions is never explained. There is no mention of any research, or the opinions of more than just one person. Clearly the writer is pulling his conclusions out of the very same place where I myself go for evidence to support my own opinions. It’s a miracle that either one of us can still sit down.

So here we go – the list of things that this writer says that men secretly love, each with an in-depth analysis by your truly as to the veracity of the claim. I’m only here to help.

Facials

Wrong. Sure, you can find a guy out there who likes just about anything, from sleeping in a standing position to breastfeeding squirrels, but in general guys don’t like to have facials. And yes, I tried it once. My wife did one for me. The result was that I looked ridiculous while it was on and, even more sadly, exactly the same when it came off.

Reality Shows

I remember hearing about the TV show Survivor about a year before it first aired. And while it was not actually the first reality show, it heralded the beginning of the current wave of those types of programs and has become one of the most imitated shows in history. I was a huge fan for its first ten seasons, seldom missing an episode before suddenly losing interest.

Today there are so many varieties of reality shows that it’s hard to make a blanket statement about their watchability. Still, for guys I think you can pretty much dismiss any of them that take place indoors, like the Kardashians or Bored Housewives or whatever they’re called. The nature shows hold a little more interest for us, however, especially the ones where the women are running around in the jungle naked. Still, I’m curious as to who it was who decreed that it’s okay to show the back side of the human body but the front side must be heavily pixilated. Man, people of the future are going to think we were total imbeciles.

Fancy Soap

Every time I’m strolling along from booth to booth at a local arts fair, my eye is always captured by those huge cakes of colorful soap that you buy by the slice. Would I use it if someone gave me some of this fancy-ass soap as a gift? Of course, why wouldn’t I? Am I about to cough up eleven bucks for a piece as big as a toaster waffle? Not a chance. So I guess maybe it’s not the fancy soap that I’m opposed to - it’s the fancy price.

Candles

Aside from a paperweight, there is no gift that more clearly announces to the recipient, “I put no thought into this at all” than the candle. There’s one and only time that guys love candles, and that's when they are illuminating the naked body of a reasonably attractive woman. Candlelight works wonders—like a special effect from Industrial Light and Magic.

Romantic Comedies

As I’ve tried to explain to Spike on many occasions, a great movie is a great movie, and that doesn’t change just because some guy gets garroted in his car, or wakes up with a horse’s head in his bed. And this works both ways. Just because a movie tells a mushy love story, that shouldn’t automatically eliminate it from a guy’s viewing list. For example, When Harry Met Sally was clearly a romantic comedy. It was a great movie as well. And while the writers probably still cringe every time Bridesmaids is called a “chick flick,” it is also the funniest movie I’ve seen in the last five years. 

Ah, but it’s those sappy and formulaic movies on, say, Lifetime that almost always will trigger the gag reflex in guys. One of my favorite things to do is to sit down with Spike for the first ten minutes (or as long as I can stomach) of one of these things, tell her exactly what’s going to happen over the next two hours and then retreat to the bedroom to read. Did I ever tell you how much fun I am to live with?

Women’s Shampoo and Conditioner

Many years ago Spike and I stayed over at a lady friend’s house. The next morning while I was showering I decided to try some of our friend’s shampoo. It was Joico, and it smelled delicious (as did our friend.) I soon purchased my own bottles of Joico, both the shampoo and conditioner, and used them religiously for several years. And then one day I had an epiphany, suddenly asking myself why I was paying fifteen bucks for a bottle of shampoo and the same again for the conditioner. I recalled the words of Andy Rooney, who once groused that when he was a kid they accomplished everything they needed to do in the shower with a single bar of Ivory Soap. And he lived a good long life! And so now I buy my shampoo and conditioner at the dollar store. And sure, once in a while I’ll treat myself and steal a dollop of Spike’s fancy-pants lady shampoo, but I swear that only happens on the rarest of occasions. You know, like on my birthday.

Appletinis

I’ve never tasted an appletini. The truth is, except for my nightly glass of wine that helps me get through writing these things, I rarely drink alcohol at all. And so I defer to my oft-inebriated friend Mr. Zero, who I asked what he thought about all these new-fangled spirits, like flavored beer or vodka. He, of course, was offended by them, as any traditionally-minded alcoholic would be. And if I too drank to excess, I’m sure I’d feel the same way. If I wanted to drink something with an apple taste, well, I’d drink apple juice.

Figure Skating

Spike loves to watch figure skating. On our refrigerator is a photo of Spike and Kristi Yamaguchi, taken shortly after she won her gold medal. (Kristi, not Spike.) I still remember how, during the 1992 Olympics, Spike watched nearly every bit of the figure skating events. And I did too, seeing how we were a one-television family at that time. What was most striking, however, was the night that Spike had to go to work, and yet I still found myself at home engrossed in the figure skating. Does this mean it’s true that men really love figure skating? No, I’m afraid not. It was just a one-time thing, like getting chicken pox. Nowadays I might watch some of the Olympic skating if Spike has it on, but this is much less a case of genuine interest and more an example of the law of physics that states, “A body at rest tends to remain at rest.” Especially if that body is lying comfortably on the couch.

TOMORROW: BUBBLE BATHS, BABIES AND CUTE, TINY THINGS.