Grandpa Leonard Does It Again
I was going to say this happened in the grocery
store, but that’s not exactly honest. In truth, I was in the food aisle of the
dollar store, and she had now crossed my path for the third time. She was
young, perhaps in her mid-twenties, and quite attractive. I watched as she
reached up for a box of something--I never knew what-- on the top shelf, wondering
if she would be able to reach it. And if she couldn’t I was standing by, ready
and able to use my no more than average height to aid this damsel in distress.
At first it looked like she was not going to need my
chivalrous assistance, but then three boxes came tumbling down on her. I instinctively
reached out to catch them, missed them all, but valiantly bent down to retrieve
the boxes. I handed her one and returned the others to the top shelf.
By now the girl, slightly embarrassed, was laughing
and apologizing. I laughed along with her, all the while thinking of something
clever to say. Make it witty! I commanded myself. What I said was this:
“Boy, you’d never make it on The Ed Sullivan Show.”
Now, this was a pretty good line and I’ll explain
why, because some of you younger men need to hear this. The natural instinct
for many men is to rush in, filled with faux concern. Are you alright? they’ll
fawn, even though she obviously is fine. Or they’ll move right in with a
compliment. A pretty girl like you should have someone getting those things for
you, or some such drivel.
My line was good because, and it would do you young
fellows well to remember this, instead of gushing with compliments she was no
doubt used to, and perhaps weary of, I gently teased her. I implied that she
was clumsy. It’s a good approach, and in addition the comment itself was pretty
slick for the spur of the moment.
Now, this is why it was a good line but not a great line, and I suspect you’ve already
figured this out. Two seconds after I spoke I wanted to take back my words and
do some quick editing. As mildly clever as my line was, I couldn’t help but sense
that this fresh, young girl, decades my junior, was now thinking, Who the fuck
is Ed Sullivan?
You see, it would
have been a great line if this incident had taken place in, say, 1967, but
sadly it did not. I later tortured myself by recognizing what a simple matter
it would have been to replace The Ed Sullivan Show with perhaps a program
that hadn’t been off the air since Nixon’s first term. I could have said,
Boy, you’d never make it on America’s Got
Talent, or even, I wouldn’t want to see that on YouTube. But no, I had to
mention a guy who had already been long dead before she was even born.
Ah well, I thought, driving away consuming my dollar
store Diet Coke and peanut butter-filled pretzels. I suppose it could have been
even worse. I might have said, Boy, you’d never make it on Major Bowes.
One of these days I really must update my
references.
2 Comments:
Just admit it....
You are OLD!!!!!
I see the pretty young girls 18 - 40(40 young?), in the store all the time and being the pervert that I am, I have those purely filthy thought about them!!!
THEN...I realize that they would think of me as a father figure or even a GRANDFATHER figure and unless they are into incestuous themed relationships I wouldn't stand a chance in hell of carrying out my fantasies!!!
Oh well, at least we can still look and enjoy!!!!
Don't give up, FUNGUS! Like Walter Matthau said in one of those Grumpy Old Men movies, it's never too late while you're still alive. That's why they call it dead!
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