Give Her a Chia and She's Sure to Say "See Ya!"

As I’ve mentioned previously, the only time Spike reads my blogs is when I make a point of telling her that she’s been mentioned in one. So I feel perfectly safe in writing about shopping for her Christmas present today. I simply won’t let her know that she was in this blog. And neither will you, right? Right? OK, then.

But wait! You’re talking about the Christmas present that you’re getting for your wife, and yet this piece is about Chia Pets? You can’t possibly mean…?

Of course I do. Oh, calm your ass down. That’s not all I’m getting her, but I have looked in a bunch of places for a Chia Pet. I know it shouldn’t be that difficult to find one, but you see I’m not just trying to hunt down any old Chia Pet. It has to be the Tweety Chia Pet. Spike’s a big fan of that faggoty little bird, and I’ve come across several Chia displays but have so far been unable to locate a Tweety model.

After spending half a day searching from store to store (and trust me that’s a big exaggeration right there) I started to think about the Chia Pet. (And really, what else have I got to think about?) Where does it come from? How long have they been around? What’s a “chia” anyway? Well hang on, Boys and Girls, because once again it’s Education Day here at the old blog. I’ve found me a bunch of info about the Chia Pet, and aren’t you just dying to hear all about it?

The first Chia Pet came on the market in 1982. Without cheating, how many of you can tell me what kind of animal it was? Yeah, I figured as much. Chia Pets, it turns out, are made right here in San Francisco by Joseph Enterprises, Inc. Can you name another fine product made by this same company? Of course, The Clapper! Clap on! Clap off!

One Chia display that I was directed to by the helpful and semi-attractive Rite-Aid employee was hidden away in one of the far corners of the store. After a little research I now understand why. When first introduced in the 80’s the Chia Pet was a big success. Since then its popularity has steadily declined, despite the addition of many new models, including the previously mentioned cartoon characters. All I know is that years ago a friend gave me one for Christmas and, despite my initial reaction upon unwrapping it, the Chia Pet turned out to be a lot of fun. I truly have to start getting out more.

For those of you who haven’t been so blessed, I’ll let you know that the body of the Chia Pet is made out of clay, and has grooves all over it. The moistened seeds of the Salvia columbariae plant are then spread over the figurine and a few days later sprouts begin to appear. Often the figures are designed so that the sprouts simulate growing hair or fur. There’s even a Homer Simpson Chia that finally gives Homer the luxurious locks that he’s always yearned for. (If you’re buying, get me that one. Or the turtle.)

The Salvia columbariae is an annual plant, but each Chia Pet comes with enough seeds for three plantings. Another interesting fact about the Salvia columbariae is that it is generally better known by its common name, the chia plant. Hah? Hah? It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?

So this Holiday Season why max out those credit cards on giant plasma televisions and cruises to exotic locales? Take a hint from your old blogger pal and give them what they really want, a Chia Pet from your local drug store. Trust me, there’s no better way to say, “I care, but not that much.”

Oh, and because I don’t want you tossing and turning all night I’ll let you know that the first Chia Pet was a…ram. How about that?