Wednesday, December 24, 2014

A Merry Christmas Quiz

You know, there’s not a religious bone in my body and still I love Christmas. I like the lights and the music and paying forty bucks to cut down my own tree. (And I don’t like hanging it upside down; not because it’s Satanic, but because it’s non-traditional. And stupid.) I like going to the mall and I like both the hustle and the bustle. I like cold air and hot chocolate. I like receiving Christmas cards without having to send any, because that’s my wife’s job.  I like not going to church and wasting valuable time that could otherwise be spent eating cookies and drinking eggnog.

I like Christmas now and I would have liked it 3,000 years ago when it was called Saturnalia, celebrating the return of longer days, and so of life, and included much hi-jinks and debauchery. (Did you think you put a pine tree in your living room because Baby Jesus had one in the manger? Decorated and with an electric train?) So enjoy the season, have fun, be kind and have a very Merry Winter Solstice!

Meanwhile, here’s a jolly Christmas Quiz just for you!

  1. Who was Saint Nicholas?
a. An 11th Century Pope
b. A 4th Century Bishop
c. Son of the apostle Peter
d. Your parents, you dope.

  1. How many ghosts visited Scrooge?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4

  1. Quick! On the fourth day of Christmas, what did my true love first give to me?
a. French hens
b. Turtle-doves
c. Calling birds
d. A rash

  1. Which is not one of Santy’s reindeer?
a. Blitzen
b. Vixen
c. Lancer
d. Dancer

  1. What did Saint Nick smoke in The Night Before Christmas?
a. A pipe
b. A cigar
c. Virginia Slims
d. Nothing

  1. What was Frosty’s nose made out of?
a. Coal
b. An icicle
c. A carrot
d. A button

  1. What is the most popular topper for a Christmas tree?
a. An angel
b. A star
c. A nativity scene
d. A pointed ornament

  1. In We Wish You A Merry Christmas, what kind of pudding is demanded?
a. Cherry
b. Figgy
c. Hasty
d. Jello

  1. In A Charlie Brown Christmas, who wants to be the Christmas Queen?
a. Lucy
b. Peppermint Patty
c. Sally
d. Linus

  1. What popular snack started out in 1902 as a Christmas tree decoration?
a. Cracker Jack
b. Pretzel twists
c. Cheese Doodles
d. Animal Crackers


1.              A 4th CENTURY BISHOP. Nick was reported to be one helluva nice guy who was famous for giving gifts to the poor.
2.              4. Not all of you forgot to count the ghost of Jacob Marley, but I bet a lot of you did!
3.              FOUR CALLING BIRDS. Give yourself only half-credit if you had to sing out loud to get the answer.
4.              LANCER is not one of Santa’s reindeer. It was, however, a highly forgettable TV show from the ‘60’s.
5.              Yeah, it was a PIPE. Hope you didn’t over-think this one.
6.              A BUTTON. His eyes were coal and his ass was snow.
7.              AN ANGEL. This one was really a toss-up. I mean, how many Nativity scenes have you seen on top of a Christmas tree?
8.              FIGGY. Damn, I almost got this one wrong myself. Then I would have had to suffer the slings and arrows of angry e-mails. I thought it was Hasty Pudding at first, which I found out is made from corn. Then I remembered the song actually said Figgy Pudding. Still a pretty demanding tune though. “We won’t go until we get some!” What’s up with that?
9.              LUCY of course. And yes, we all have our doubts about Linus.
10.          Barnum ANIMAL CRACKERS. Didn’t you ever wonder what that string on the box is for? To hang on your tree, silly!


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